Curses are the most efficient of all things.
Regular readers all know about the curse wrecking havoc on my life https://fatunclecheapo.wordpress.com/2014/11/24/the-curse-is-strong-in-this-one/,
There’s another 5-6 months left of that particular one, the curse I mean, not the blog post (the network is cancelling that one due to the abysmal readership figures).
But this post is not about that curse….its about other famous curses.
And a post about curses seem particularly pertinent due to the release of Ridley Scott’s Exodus (the 3rd most disappointing movie of the year, after that moronic Legend of Hercules and the frankly Bendtneresque Pompey) – a story basically about curses.
You see one day Moses went to Rameses and said “Hoi, Rameses” and
Rameses said “What Ho What Ho What Ho?”
and then Moses said “Let my people go!!”
and Rameses said “Eh? What people?”
And then Moses said”Those people who go around saying oy vey. They are my people”
and Rameses said “Are you high again? Have you been hanging around burning bushes?”
and Moses said “Stop pissing about and let them go, I want to take them to the promised land”
and Rameses said “What promise?”
and Moses said “The promise of 4000 years of continuous bloodshed, terrorism and general fuckwittery”
and Ramses said “Have you lost all your marbles? Why do you want to make a complete horlicks out of everything?”
and Moses said “Do it do it do it” and
Rameses said “No way” and so
Moses said “Yahweh”
and cursed Rameses and in turn Egypt (kind of a bitchy move)….
The water of the Nile turned into blood (to the great pleasure of the Nile alligators I assume, but general displeasure of the hippos and the humans)
And there were plagues of frogs (wuhoo went the snakes), lice (dammit went everybody) and flies (hallelujah said the lizards).
And then sadly the cows and camels died
And when even that didn’t do the trick, cam a much more dangerous curse – boils.
And then there were storms of hail, locusts and darkness….
…followed finally by the frankly appalling and disgusting death of the first born……which is a pretty shitty move anyway you look at it……the killing of babies, come on man, not cool not cool….in fact it is so not cool, it can stand as the Prime Ministerial candidate for AAP.
And for those of you who believe in god….think about this….. the same entity who killed thousands of Egyptians babies to free the Jewish people then sat back twiddling his thumbs when Hitler and Stalin took it in turns killing the same people…..where is the logic? where is the justification?
And you still want to believe in god?
Be smart, be a Pastafarian
Scientists have now done scientific research to scientifically determine that some of those damn things did indeed happen…..something about Communist algae…..read the article if you want to know more….
You see, science can explain almost everything, except women’s moods, Christopher Nolan movies, the state of the Arsenal defense, the Indian National Congress’s complete and utter shamelessness and hypocricy, how the fuck the earphone wires manage to get so tangled and……… curses
You want to know why science can’t explain curses?
Well take a look at these
Curse of the Bambino
In 1919-20, Boston Red Sox sold Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees. Before Ruth was sold, the Red Sox had won five of the first fifteen World Series; in the 84 years after the sale, the Yankees played in 39 World Series, winning 27 of them while the Red Sox played in only four World Series and lost each in seven games.
The curse ended in 2004. Some say it happened after a foul ball flew into Section 9, Box 95, Row AA and struck sixteen-year-old Lee Gavin’s face, knocking two of his teeth out. Gavin lived on the Sudbury farm owned by Ruth. That same day, the Yankees suffered their worst loss in team history, a 22–0 clobbering at home against the Cleveland Indians.
Curse of Béla Guttmann
Bela Guttman was a Hungarian football coach – widely considered as one of the all time greats. His 2nd greatest achievement was making Benfica the back to back European champions in 1961 and 1962.
His greatest achievement remains cursing the fuck out of Benfica.
You see, after the 196 final, Guttman asked the Benfica board for a raise, the numpties turned him down. Enraged, Guttman left the club and while leaving, cursed it saying “Not in a hundred years from now will Benfica ever be European champion”.
Benfica were the reigning 2 time European champions at the time of the curse.
they have lost all eight of their subsequent European finals – five European Cup finals (1963, 1965, 1968, 1988, and 1990), and three UEFA Cup/UEFA Europa League finals (1983, 2013 and 2014).
That’s some serious juju.
Curse of Billy Penn
1983 is a historic year for the city of Philadelphia – why? Because that was the last time a team from Philly won something for the next 2 and a half decades. The reason?
In 1987, the city broke a gentleman’s agreement that stated that the statue of William Penn on a spire on City Hall should always beat the highest point, no skyscraper should be higher. In 1987, a taller skyscraper was built and the curse was unleashed.
It was on June 18, 2007 that some iron workers attached a small figurine of William Penn to the final beam in the construction of the Comcast Center (Philadelphia’s tallest structure to date) in an attempt to break the curse. The following year, the Philadelphia Phillies won the 2008 World Series.
Curse of Birmingham City F.C.
Poor poor Birmingham City F.C. Even apart from the fact that they are, have been and probably always will be a bit shit, they also had to play under a curse for 100 years. When the club built their stadium St Andrew’s, they did it on land that was being used by the Romani people. Naturally, the angry Romani people put an 100-year hex on the stadium.
Throughout the years many Birmingham City managers would try to remove the curse but with little success. Former manager Ron Saunders tried to banish the curse in the 1980s by placing crucifixes on floodlights and painting the bottom of his players’ boots red. Another manager, Barry Fry, in charge from 1993 to 1996, urinated in all four corners of the pitch after a clairvoyant said it would break the spell. On Boxing Day 2006 the curse was finally lifted and on that day Birmingham City celebrated a 2–1 win over Queens Park Rangers F.C..
And despite all this, they still managed to defeat Arsenal in the League Cup Final.
Curse of the Billy Goat
In 1945, Billy Sianis, the owner of the Billy Goat Tavern, was kicked out of Chicago Cubs’ home ground because other people complained about his pet goat’s odour. He was outraged and declared, “Them Cubs, they ain’t gonna win no more”. He sent a telegram to the Cubs’s owner saying “You are going to lose this World Series and you are never going to win another World Series again. You are never going to win a World Series again because you insulted my goat.”
The Cubs have not won a national League or World Series since then.
Curse of Cashley
Ashley Cole is Arsenal’s greatest ever product (and a Chelsea legend). For the last decade or so he was widely considered the best left back of his era and one of the greatest of all time.
While playing for Arsenal, he wanted a raise. But Arsene Wenger did not want to pay a black Englishman and thus humiliated him. Enraged, Ashley left Arsenal and joined Chelsea, where he is still loved, cherished and honoured.
And the curse started. Arsenal started getting humiliated over and over and over and over again by the likes of Chelsea, ManU, Real Madrid, Barcelona, Bayern Munich, Borussia Dortmund….and err… Birmingham City.
In the meantime, Ashley Cole won the Premier League, the FA Cup, the Europa League and the Champions League.
The curse ended only when Ashley decided to leave England.
The November Curse
For the last decade or so, irrespective of the start or finish of a season, irrespective of the number of managers, there was one constant in Chelsea football club – the November curse. It didn’t matter if we won the league, the champs league, europa, fa cup or fuck all, we would somehow screw up in November. It was one of those givens – like Fergie time or Citytitis (still valid in Europe). What was even more galling was the fact that the curse would strike against teams like Aston Villa, Charlton Athletic, Sunderland, Newcastle etc.
Still don’t believe in curses?
Look at Ashurbanipal of Assyria. He was a strong Assyrian king in the mid 6th century BC. He founded a library, and since even then the world was infested with book thieves and book defacers, he cursed the lot:
“He who breaks this tablet or puts it in water or rubs it until you cannot recognize it [and] cannot make it to be understood, may Ashur, Sin, Shamash, Adad and Ishtar, Bel, Nergal, Ishtar of Ninevah, Ishtar of Arbela, Ishtar of Bit Kidmurri, the gods of heaven and earth and the gods of Assyria, may all these curse him with a curse that cannot be relieved, terrible and merciless, as long as he lives, may they let his name, his seed, be carried off from the land, may they put his flesh in a dog’s mouth.”
“I have transcribed upon tablets the noble products of the work of the scribe which none of the kings who have gone before me had learned, together with the wisdom of Nabu insofar as it existeth [in writing]. I have arranged them in classes, I have revised them and I have placed them in my palace, that I, even I, the ruler who knoweth the light of Ashur, the king of the gods, may read them. Whosoever shall carry off this tablet, or shall inscribe his name on it, side by side with mine own, may Ashur and Belit overthrow him in wrath and anger, and may they destroy his name and posterity in the land.”
The tablets are still secure 2.5k years later
Other book curses:
“And what Condemnation shall befit the accurst Wretch (for he cannot justly claim the title of Man) who pilfers and purloins for his own selfish ends such a precious article as a Book? I am reminded of the Warning display’d in the Library of the Popish Monastery of San Pedro at Barcelona. This is the version English’d by Sir Matthew Manhan, who saw it writ in Latin in the Monastery, as he himself describes in his learn’d Book, Travels in Spanish Countries, 1712 The Warning reads thusly: “For him that stealeth a Book from this Library, let it change to a Serpent in his hand and rend him. Let him be struck with Palsy, and all his Members blasted. Let him languish in Pain, crying aloud for Mercy and let there be no surcease to his Agony till he sink to Dissolution. Let Book-worms gnaw his Entrails in token of the Worm that dieth not, and when at last he goeth to his final Punishment let the Flames of Hell consume him for ever and aye.”
“Steal not this book my honest friend
For fear the gallows should be your end,
And when you die the Lord will say
And where’s the book you stole away?”
Then there is the curse of the Hope Diamond
- Jacques Colet bought the Hope Diamond from Simon Frankel and committed suicide.
- Prince Ivan Kanitovski bought it from Colet but was killed by Russian revolutionists.
- Kanitovski loaned it to Mlle Ladue who was “murdered by her sweetheart.”
- Simon Mencharides, who had once sold it to the Turkish sultan, was thrown from a precipice along with his wife and young child.
- Sultan Hamid gave it to Abu Sabir to “polish” but later Sabir was imprisoned and tortured.
- Stone guardian Kulub Bey was hanged by a mob in Turkey.
- A Turkish attendant named Hehver Agha was hanged for having it in his possession.
- Tavernier, who brought the stone from India to Paris was “torn to pieces by wild dogs in Constantinople.”
- King Louis gave it to Madame de Montespan whom later he abandoned.
- Nicholas Fouquet, an “Intendant of France”, borrowed it temporarily to wear it but was “disgraced and died in prison.”
- A temporary wearer, Princess de Lamballe, was “torn to pieces by a French mob.”
- Jeweler William Fals who recut the stone “died a ruined man.”
- William Fals’ son Hendrik stole the jewel from his father and later “committed suicide.”
- Some years (after Hendrik) “it was sold to Francis Deaulieu, who died in misery and want.”
And then there is The Curse of the Pharaohs, which came to effect after Tutankhamen’s tomb was broken into….
The tomb was opened on 29 November 1922.
- Lord Carnarvon, financial backer of the excavation team who was present at the tomb’s opening, died on 5 April 1923 after a mosquito bite became infected; he died 4 months and 7 days after the opening of the tomb.
- George Jay Gould I, a visitor to the tomb, died in the French Riviera on 16 May 1923 after he developed a fever following his visit.
- Prince Ali Kamel Fahmy Bey of Egypt died 10 July 1923: shot dead by his wife.
- Colonel The Hon. Aubrey Herbert, MP, Carnarvon’s half-brother, became nearly blind and died on 26 September 1923 from blood poisoning related to a dental procedure intended to restore his eyesight.
- Sir Archibald Douglas-Reid, a radiologist who x-rayed Tutankhamun’s mummy, died on 15 January 1924 from a mysterious illness.
- Sir Lee Stack, Governor-General of Sudan, died on 19 November 1924: assassinated while driving through Cairo.
- A. C. Mace, a member of Carter’s excavation team, died in 1928 from arsenic poisoning
- The Hon. Mervyn Herbert, Carnarvon’s half brother and the aforementioned Aubrey Herbert’s full brother, died on 26 May 1929, reportedly from “malarial pneumonia”.
- Captain The Hon. Richard Bethell, Carter’s personal secretary, died on 15 November 1929: found smothered in his bed.
- Richard Luttrell Pilkington Bethell, 3rd Baron Westbury, father of the above, died on 20 February 1930; he supposedly threw himself off his seventh floor apartment.
- Howard Carter opened the tomb on 16 February 1923, and died on 2 March 1939; however, some have still attributed his death to the “curse”
Explain all these all ye skeptics…..
And even more importantly, explain the curse on my life…go on, try