Planet of the Apes

“The boozing starts from 7am. Though large amounts are often drunk, the sessions are orderly, even sociable. A skinful later, and always before nightfall, enough is enough and they rest.”

Tell me good people, tell me who this refers to?

What’s that you say?

Nope guess again.

Give up?

Well, then you should stop foo fooing my assertions, you should believe what I say because just like that Yudhishtir I don’t tell a lie.

I told you that Chimps are humans.

Well what do humans do that makes us humans?

All animals live, breathe, eat, drink water, crap and fuck as well as think and communicate.

There are 4 things humans do that nobody else does – read, write/paint, wear clothes and drink alcohol.

But if you look at a vast sections of homo sapiens – especially Bangladeshis – that reading, writing, painting things go out of the window. Illiteracy is rampant.

So we can’t take that as a mark of humanity.


That leaves us with drinking alcohol and wearing clothes.

And that’s where we come to this


They are the chimpanzees of Bossou, south-eastern Guinea, and their secret is finally out. With 17 years of evidence in hand, scientists have declared the troop the first wild chimpanzees to indulge in regular, habitual drinking.

The west African chimps were observed in their natural forest habitat from 1995 to 2012. The action, captured on video, centred around raffia palms. Local communities harvest sugary sap from the trees, which ferments into a rich, alcoholic brew in hours.


To extract the sweet, white sap, tappers cut a wedge in the tree and suspend a container beneath. They leave it there to fill and lay leaves over the top to keep the bugs out. In a few weeks, a single tree can yield 50 litres of sap.

But the chimps have cottoned on. In a study published on Wednesday, scientists report 51 incidents of the chimps raiding the palm sap containers. The apes found a big leaf – often one covering the container – and chewed it to form an absorbent sponge or a folded scoop. They then plunged this into the sap, pulled it out and drank.

And drank some more. In their analysis, reported in Royal Society Open Science, the researchers observed the chimps necking on average a litre of fermented sap each time. One male, named Foaf, was a regular, appearing in 14 of the 51 sessions. He was an outlier though. Of the 26 apes observed, 13 were apparently teetotal.

Male and female chimps were equally keen on the drink, but apes varied individually in how much the imbibed. At one event, the scientists estimate that the amount of alcohol ingested reached 85 millilitres, the equivalent of about three pints of Stella Artois.

Kimberley Hockings, an author of the study at Oxford Brookes University, said they could not be sure if the chimps got drunk, but said the amounts they consumed were enough to “elicit behavioural changes in humans.” On one occasion, an adult male seemed restless after a session and while his companions made for their nests, spent the next hour swinging from tree to tree “in an agitated manner.”

If this isn’t human like behaviour then I don’t know what is.

So now, you have no option but to agree with me (and more pertinently an increasing number of courts) that chimps are humans too.


As for the wearing clothes, part you all know what I think of that. Wearing clothes is possibly the stupidest activity that mankind indulges in.


And all that means that Chimps are without a doubt the smartest beings on the planet.

So, its truly Planet of the Apes.


P.s. – Check out the Drunken Money Hypothesis

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