We have always been fascinated with criminal masterminds.
There is something about them that pulls ours heartstrings – we know they are bad, but yet we can’t help liking them.
And that’s why we are so enamoured of James Moriarty and Jack the Ripper and Rastapopoulos and Dr. Evil and Jawaharlal Nehru and Lex Luthor and Ramalinga Raju and Oswald Cobblepot and Dawood Ibrahim and Al Capone and the Corleones and Sudipto Sen and Thomas Crown and Daniel Ocean and Keyser Soze and Hydra and Salman Khan.
But how many of them got away with it?
Jack the Ripper evaded the police and took the secrets to his grave.
Jawaharlal Nehru murdered all his rivals and looted the country and successfully handed the empire over to his daughter.
Dawood is living the life of a king in Karachi.
And Salman Khan is rich and makes popular films, so naturally he is above the law and should be allowed to kill at least one person per month; he gives lots of money to charity, so the least we can do is to allow him his monthly kill.
But Moriarty and Rastapopoulos and the Corleones and Daniel Ocean and Hydra and Lex Luthor and Oswald Cobblepot etc all got their comeuppance.
You see the common thread here?
We are taught by the authors that crime doesn’t pay; while real life shows us that crime does pay, it pays spectacularly well.
And so with that established, we have to figure out what the crime of the century is.
Lots of you will have lots of candidates.
But my candidate trumps you all.
The beauty, the simplicity, the genius of this crime is mind boggling.
This man is the rebirth of Jack the Ripper but he is like version 2.
For ten whole years, he has been coming and pooping in his favorite holes in the gold course, despite the best attempts of the club to stop it.
The man would come on his bicycle, do his business and leave.
No power on earth has been able to stop it.
Kenneth Tennfjord, groundskeeper at the Stavanger Golf Club, said he has been finding human feces and toilet paper in course holes since 2005.
“He has a couple of favorite holes,” Tennfjord told the Rogaland Avis newspaper. “And we know it is a man because the poos are too massive to be from a woman.”
“He poos only on weekdays. On weekends I have never found poo on the golf course,” Tennfjord said.
He said the fecal discoveries are usually accompanied by used toilet paper.
Frode Jormeland, another groundskeeper, said the club installed high-powered spotlights to discourage the defecation, but the poop-etrator disabled them.
“He climbed up a tree next to the lights and wriggled far out on a branch and dismantled the spotlights. How he managed the feat without electrocuting himself or falling is a riddle,” he said.
This is the perfect crime ladies and gentlemen.
And its all the more perfect because its a victim-less crime.
Think about the confidence, think about the dedication, think about the genius.
This right here is a God among men.
I have found my hero.