60 Shades of Shite

I love the smell of humiliation in the morning.

And what a morning yesterday was.

Not in India mind, but at Trent Bridge, Nottinghamshire, England.

That’s where the 4th test match in the Ashes series started.

60 all out!

You see the Ashes are a test cricket series played by a bunch of Australian men and a bunch of Englishmen (along with assorted South Africans, Zimbabweans, Indians, Pakis etc).

They have been doing this every couple of years since 1882.


Usually the Aussies win, sometimes the English do.

When they do, the English media goes into collective orgasm.

They are probably all in hospitals now with massive dehydration resulting from the daylong wanking.

60 all out!

Now as far as the shite part goes, here is a ranking of shite in ascending order of crapness and ability to stink up the place and how little it helps mankind. For example, 1 is the most beneficial and least harmful while 10 is the nadir.

  1. Plant poo or oxygen if you will
  2. Shit (bodily excrement)
  3. Cow dung
  4. Crap (like the government’s idiotic decision on porn)
  5. Dog poo
  6. Bullshit (What Indian AntiNational Congress party say all the time)
  7. Diarrhea (no explanation necessary)
  8. My health  (no explanation necessary)
  9. Liverpool football club  (no explanation necessary)
  10. Indian test cricket team away from home


Our test team’s ability to humiliate and embarrass themselves was unparalleled. Its reputation for collapsing at the drop of a hat is legendary. No total was reachable, no wicket takeable, no defeat impossible.


But even our test team’s sovereignty of shite was conquered.

The white man cannot help but destroy Indians.

And that’s what Australia did in the 1st Innings of the 4th Test match of the 2015 Ashes series at Trent Bridge.


In a manner way too familiar to Indians of a certain age, the Australian batsmen managed to reach hitherto unknown depths of imbecility.

All out for 60 in 18.3 overs. And 14 of those 60 runs scored by Extras, with a further 13 by Mitchell Johnson.


That’s not some silly ass digital code – that was the progression of the Aussie innings.

And as Antony Green proved, you can fit that in 1 single tweet.

The media has coined it Pomicide (its a crap pun but you get the idea)

60 all out!

Not even our brave boys in blue could master that level of epic uselessness – and remember that our brave boys managed to lose 2-0 to this same sorry rubble just a few months ago.

Throughout the 1930s and then the late 1980s to late 2000s, the Aussie batsmen were famous for one thing – a flat out refusal to submit, to get out.

Don Bradman and Steve Waugh were the best examples of that art.

The bowlers did not matter, the weather did not matter, the pitch did not matter – they would simply not get out.

And the same nation that gave us them plus Adam Gilchrist, Alan Border, Ricky Ponting, David Boon, Geoff Marsh, Matthew Hayden, Damien Martyn et all has now given us these poor darlings.

60 all out!

Nothing they have ever done or nothing that they will ever do would ever wipe out this ignominy.

Immortality for being shite has been achieved.

60 all out!

And just to put that in perspective, it was against Stuart Broad, Chris Wood and Steven Finn – not Andy Robers, Joel Garner, Malcolm Marshall and Michael Holding nor Wasim Akram and Waqar Younis nor Dennis Lillie and Jeff Thompson nor Curtly Ambrose and Courtney Walsh nor Muttiah Muralithara nor Shane Warne or Anil Kumble and Harbhajan Singh on a spinning track.

Hell, even James Anderson wasn’t there.

There is only one thing that these sorry bunch of Aussies can do to regain their honour.


60 all out!!!!


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