The Solution

To the surprise of absolutely no one the Indian footballers humiliated themselves and the nation yet again, this time by getting spanked by Turkmenistan.

Something’s gotta give.

Losing to Iran is one thing, its excusable, those buggers are bloody good at football (in an Asian context at least), but there really isn’t any excuse for losing to the likes of Guam and Turkmenistan.

Drastic steps need to be taken

Its purely a result of a blase attitude – these guys are more interested in playing in the ISL than representing the country.

And so, there needs to be measures to ensure that when these dingbats represent the nation, they realise what that entails and perform accordingly.

As usual, I have the solution.

Look at history people, look at history

You see, in the ancient/medieval times, the Incas used to play a version of football. There would be a winner and a loser.

And the members of the losing team would be sacrificed to the gods.

Also, you know the Romans?

They conquered most of Europe (starting with France or Gaul, who, as usual, surrendered), the middle east and north Africa (but got their arses kicked by the Germans and the Scots).

And they did so by having a highly regimented and disciplined army.

You know how they ensured the army retained its ferociousness and discipline?

Decimation

Decimation (Latin: decimatio; decem = “ten”) was a form of military discipline used by senior commanders in the Roman Army to punish units or large groups guilty of capital offences, such as mutiny or desertion. The word decimation is derived from Latin meaning “removal of a tenth”.

A cohort (roughly 480 soldiers) selected for punishment by decimation was divided into groups of ten; each group drew lots (sortition), and the soldier on whom the lot fell was executed by his nine comrades, often by stoning or clubbing. The remaining soldiers were often given rations of barley instead of wheat (the latter being the standard soldier’s diet) for a few days, and required to camp outside the fortified security of the marching camp.[3]

Because the punishment fell by lot, all soldiers in a group sentenced to decimation were potentially liable for execution, regardless of individual degrees of fault, rank or distinction.

 

So what has all this got to do with our footballers?

Step 1 – Start conscription by law

Simply put, when the nation calls you, you have to play – if you don’t turn up, you get life imprisonment

 

Step 2 – Electric collars

Every time there is a miss pass, a bad out of control receive, a wayward header, a crap cross, no off-the-ball running or a missed or bad tackle, the perpetrator gets an electric shock.

 

Step 3 – Loss results in decimation

A national team squad has to of 23 members, 3 of which are goalkeepers.

The keepers get a pass – whatever ails Indian football, the keepers are not the problem (plus players like Debjit are world class). The remaining 20 have to draw lots and as per lots 2 of them become the chosen ones and get sacrificed.

Of course this situation only rises in case of a loss – wins and draws are perfectly acceptable

This move ensures that the players would perform as if their lives depended on it.

 

But how to ensure the decimation? What happens after the sacrificial victims are chosen?

A Hell in a Cell/Hunger Games scenario

India has lots of murderers, rapists, Bangladeshis, Communists and Salman Khan fans.

India needs less of all of them.

So here is what I propose

We build an arena with lots of obstacles – like quicksand, booby traps, mines, poisoned darts etc.

Then we get 2 rapists, 2 murders, 2 Bangladeshis, 2 Communists, 2 Salman Khan fans and the 2 sacrificial footballers all into that.

So 12 men (or women – I don’t want to be called a sexist misogynist – equal rites and all that) enter, only 1 can survive.

The 12 will have to compete against each other and all the booby traps etc to survive.

But that’s not all

All the while the 12 will be chased by Salman Khan with a rifle.

download

My solution is like an onion – so many layers

It solves:

  1. India’s football problems
  2. India’s Bangladeshi problem
  3. India’s Communist problem
  4. India’s overcrowded jail problems

 

Moreover, it keeps Salman Khan happy and off the streets.

We all know he likes hunting – be it animals or man.

This way he gets to keep his lust for hunting satiated, without any loss of innocent lives.

And it keeps the TRP high and the advertisers happy.

Its a win-win for all.

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