This weekend, there were a lot of important matches in the world of football.
Let’s start with the biggest of them all.
UEFAlona embarrassed and humiliated Ronaldo Madrid
It was a glorious spanking led by the magical Andre Iniesta. Naturally, being UEFA’s official team, they received help from the linesmen as usual – how Neymar wasn’t offside boggles the mind.
I remain steadfast in my belief that Barcelona should be deducted 15 points every season for health and safety reasons; you see they play a cannibal, naturally the opposition defenders remain terrified of going anywhere near him.
It was all the more joyous because it was a perfect fart in the general direction of all Rafa Benitez fans. It was all the more special because Barca inflicted all that pain by and large without Lionel Messi.
With the win, Barca has cemented the top. Atletico Madrid is second, Real Madrid and Villarreal complete the top 4.
Serie A saw Juventus vs AC Milan.
Once upon a time, it used to be the best match on the planet. Nowadays, AC Milan is hurtling towards total and utter crapness like a juggernaut. Juventus is going through one of those weird seasons (Chelsea and Sevilla are others) that comes once in a while.
They still managed to beat AC Milan 1-0.
Inter Milan’s at the top after scoring 4 goals against Frossinone; followed by Napoli, Fiorentina and Roma.
Bayern Munich has won the Bundesliga.
In their most recent outing, they defeated Schalke 3-1 at Gelsenkirchen. It was a double bonus since second placed Borussia Dortmund somehow managed to lose 3-1 against FC Ingolstadt.
Wolfsburg is keeping up the pretense of a competition. They are third and they smashed 6 goals past Werder Bremen. Hertha Berlin is at 4th.
That brings us to England and the Premier League.
It was a great weekend for fans of black and white television, bell bottom pants, floppy disks, smallpox and Liverpool (whats common among them? All historically significant but of fuck all importance nowadays) . They managed to defeat Manchester City 4-1. It wasn’t anything glorious by Liverpool; it was more a case of City suffering from Citytitis.
Manchester United bored their way to another win and looks like the favorites for the title this season – and if they do win, they will deserve it. A good defense should always be respected.
Arsenal fans spent the last one month talking of a quadruple and how their team is the best in the world. When they inevitably got humiliated by Bayern Munich, the Arsenal fans claimed that this year they will win the Premier League.
So Arsene Wenger did what Arsene Wenger always does – he got his team to lose against West Bromwich Albion. And then he started complaining about how poor little Arsenal can fight against the financial behemoths that are West Bromwich Albion. Apparently, they even had the temerity to field 11 players – some of them even defenders – against Arsenal, which as everyone in Wengerland knows, is a heinous crime. Not content about throwing his prams out about financial doping, eh is now insisting that everybody in football is going around doping with performance enhancing drugs. However, when the anti-doping team turned up at Arsneal, he then started complaining that he wanted other players tested, not his own and that everyone knows that Arsenal players are allowed to take steroids (a perfect explanation for the fragility of their players btw)
Wenger’s bosses at the Football Association is trying to find the rulebook to see if they can gift 3 points to Arsenal as we speak.
In other matches Everton smacked Aston Villa, Spurs smacked West Ham and Jamie Vardy scored again as Leicester became top of the Premier League.
Leicester City at the top!!!!!!
And Chelsea won. If we continue like this, we might be able to save ourselves from relegation. Even a top 12 finish is possible.
But the biggest magic happened right here in Kolkata, India.
To see magic, see Atletico de Kolkata.
In a performance that has been termed by critics as ethereal, exquisite, ecstatic and Elysian, ATK ritually dismembered FC Goa 4-0 and went top of the league.
We are the defending champions and currently top of the league.
We are all set to be in the knockout stages this year as well, along with FC Goa. Pune City FC, North East United FC and Delhi Dynamos are fighting for the remaining two spots. Chennai has an outside chance.