I am a God

To be fair, I had always suspected that.

Now its been confirmed.

I am a GOD.


But I am still me.

Just like the Vodafone dog and the Airtel girl, bad luck follows me on every step; misery is a constant shadow.

I am a God.

But of all the people and all the races in all the world, I had to be a God of the Mallus!!!*

Why me why!!!


The Mallus worship me at Padmanavaswamy Temple in Trivandrum.

How did I find that out?


I was loitering around Trivandrum looking for helmets – to protect the head from randomly thrown coconuts – and crying because Neethu did not come to feed me cakes, when all of a sudden I saw hordes of semi naked Mallus stampeding towards me.

I don’t run away from any challenges – mainly because I can’t run anyway, plus I believe that running is a bourgeois activity – so I was about to launch into them shouting Jai Telenganaaaaaaaa……

When they suddenly prostrated on the ground in front of me and started chanting and throwing flowers and coconuts and bananas at me.


I am used to Mallus – Abdul Shahir, Anila Mathew(s), Sarah Abraham, Mythili Menon, Neethu {I don’t care if your names have changed post marriage; I have no intention whatsoever of remembering your husbands’ names; if you wanted me to remember your husbands’ names, you should have married me; I only remember Runa’s husband and Neethu’s husband} – treating me with due reverence.

But the worshiping thing threw me off.

They soon stopped their chanting, got up and stampeded away, leaving me with sacks full of bananas and coconuts.

I gave them away to roadside beggars and followed the stampeding horde. I saw them entering a temple.

I was about to, when priests hurriedly came out and stopped me.

Apparently, as a GOD, I have to come in on an elephant.

No way Jose.

I firmly believe that keeping temple elephants is a cruel and abhorrent practice. Elephants are intelligent, loving, social animals who are born to live in jungles.

I don’t condone keeping them as human slaves; I can kinda accept the ones used in timber industry, they at least get to live in forests or the fringes of forests, I wish they could be free, but because humans are, by and large, bastards who are in lust with money, I accept that sometimes animals have to live the hard life.

But keeping the elephants chained up for 23 hours a day 360 days a year miles away fro ma forest under the blazing son with no pachyderm company is one of the cruelest acts out there.

There is no justification for it and has to banned.

Its especially galling for me because I had adopted a wee elephant. His name was Philip Dev. He got lost from his herd as a baby, was rescued and kept in a shelter in Manas Wildlife Forest. I paid for his upkeep till he could get bigger.

He is all grown up and living in the wild now.

So there’s no way am going to play a part in abusing a pachyderm.

I refused and started walking away, when the consternation filled priests supplicated themselves and begged me to enter. They told me that I am a God and thus if I walk away, that will lead to the temple’s destruction.

So I walked in.

They have built a nice temple for me, right beside the one for my boss Vishnu. The priests told me that there are other temples dedicated to me too, for example the one in Tirupati.


I know you Commies never believe me, so there




The Kurma Purana describes me as born out of a portion of Vishnu, carrying a conch (shankha), Sudarshana chakra (discus) and gada (mace) and wearing yellow clothes like my master.

The Kalika Purana describes me as an attendant of Vishnu, with four arms, and red and brown in complexion. I sit on a white lotus, have long beard and wear matted hair. I carry a lotus (Sanghi fascist!!!!), gada, Shanka and chakra in my hands.

The Pancharatra text Lakshmi Tantra mentions me as four-armed and holding a shankha and a lotus.

In another instance, they say that I carry a sword and a club, wear yellow clothes and have tawny eyes, beard and eyebrows and four teeth.

So not only am I a GOD, I am a a well-documented GOD.


I occupy an important place in the Vaikhanasa sect of Vaishnavism, the sect dedicated to Vishnu. Any ritual or function begins with my worship. As the commander-in-chief of Vishnu’s army, I am supposed to protect the ritual or function from obstacles and evil.

My role is similar to that of Ganesha, who generally is the first worshiped god in Hinduism, especially Shaiva (dedicated to the god Shiva) traditions.

Thus, the physical resemblance between me and Ganesha.


But then you Commies ask me, if you are a god, who is your vahana (friend/pet/mount)?

Shiva has a bull

Ganesha has Ratso

Durga has a lion

Indra has a white elephant

Vishnu has Garuda

The hipster metro-sexual Kartik has a peacock


Who do I have?


Well, I have the Gudduda of course.


Truth be told, he is a reluctant vahana; he is only doing it in the hope that I will grant him a boon giving him a second testicle.

You see, he has only one, and he cries off to sleep every night whining about it.

But I am only a middle class god in the pantheon

I am not a a part of the inner circle consisting of Shiva, Vishnu, Brahma, Ganesha, Indra, Kubera, Pavan, Laxmi, Saraswati, Durga, and Surya.

I am merely the commander-in-chief of Vishnu. My duties are to lead his army during war and to guard his house Vaikunth during peace when he gets busy getting jiggy with it inside.

In fact, I got my arse kicked by Shiva once, because he wanted to go inside the house but my boss was busy badankadoinking and thus I had tried to stop Shiva.

To say that Shiva does not like me is an understatement.

Brahma is angry at me because I called him the pantheon version of Silvio Berlusconi and Hugh Hefner.

And Vishnu is sulking because I have flat out refused to eat butter and he has taken it as a personal affront.

Thus, Gudduda, for now, remains a man with one single testicle.


But just because I can’t help him, does not mean I can’t help you.

I am a limited god with limited powers.

But whatever is in my power is yours my dear humans.

Ask and ye shall receive a Tatasthu.

If I can give it, you shall have it.

All you need to do is ask.


*Could have been worse, I could have been a GOD of the Bangladeshis


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