Forgive Them, for They are Imbeciles

As a twisted bitter grouchy old man, a lot of things enrage me.

As the great modern-day wordsmith Jay Z said, I have got 99 problems, and anger is one.

A lot of things enrage me.

But I am too lazy even to be angry for long; so most things I try to let go.

I believe it was the Buddha who said that the true path to enlightenment revolves around the ability to say Fuck this Shit and Ain’t Nobody got Time for That.

I try to follow

I try to forgive

But there are still some things that make me go

 

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And one such thing is this list.

http://www.stylist.co.uk/books/the-10-most-inspiring-childrens-book-characters

 

The title of the article is

The 10 most inspiring girls in children’s books

Its pretty simple right?

Girl characters

Children’s books

 

As it turns out not so simple. The author has managed to make a complete dog’s bollocks out of it. Here’s what she has come up with

  1. Hermione Granger – Potter
  2. Matilda – Matilda
  3. Elizabeth Allen – The Naughtiest Girl
  4. Georgina (George) Kirrin – Famous Five
  5. Arya Stark – A Song of Ice and Fire
  6. May Lennox – Secret Garden
  7. Scout Finch – To Kill a Mockingbird
  8. Jo March – Little Women
  9. Alice – Alice in Wonderland
  10. Lyra – His Dark Materials

The main problem with that list should be apparent to even the most dim-witted out there.

In what holy hell is A Song of Ice and Fire and To Kill a Mockingbird considered children’s books?

For the love of Wade Winston Wilson, woman, use your nogging.

It probably would have made more sense had the title been 10 inspiring girls from fiction.

But no, the author went full retard and specifically mentioned children’s books and then included those two.

[Hell if she had to enter someone George RR Martin, why not Daenerys Targaerien?

When the stories start, she was an orphan in her early teens, she was living as an exile, she was bullied  by her brother, given away to marriage against her will to a much older man who promptly raped her, she fell in love with said man who dies from infected boo boo and she lost her unborn child…all before she is 16. Then she gets abandoned by most of her husband’s tribe, she almost starved to death and her dragons got kidnapped, she somehow becomes a leader and queen and then because of politics has to marry someone whom she does not love

All kinds of traumatic shit!!!

Arya on the other hand had an awesome loving childhood which got curtailed because her father was too noble and her elder brother was a fucking idiot (Romeoesque in his dimwittedness). She got a protector in the Hound, which ensured that she never had to go through any kind of physical trauma and then she voluntarily decides to train as an assassin.

Not very high on the trauma scale now, is it?

So why is Arya is so adored and considered a symbol feminism etc?

Its because most people have not read the books and have only watched the tv series where Arya is played by a girl while Khaleesi is played by an adult woman.

So the perception is that Danerys is a grown woman, while reality is that she is almost the same age as Sansa (Julietesque in her dimwittedness).

There were huge hues and cries and threats of boycotts by foolish dimwits when the Jamie-Cercei and then the Ramsay Bolton-Sansa rapes were shown. There was hardly a murmur when the Khal Drogo Daenerys rape was depicted.

Jamie is now a gray character (despite being a child killer and a rapist), Ramsay Bolton is a villain, but Khal Drogo is so handsome! so macho!! so cool!!!

Khal Drogo – a pedophile

Please read books people

Rant over]

I have no strong problem with wee Finch being an inspiring character, but Harper Lee’s book is most definitely not for children.

So those two are immediately disqualified.

Hermoine Granger deserves her place on that list, so does George from Famous Five, Jo March from Little Women and of course Alice.

I have not read Matilda and Secret Garden, so it won’t be fair of me to comment on them.

So the author gets a pass on them.

So that leaves

  • Elizabeth Allen – The Naughtiest Girl
  • Lyra – His Dark Materials

How many of you have read the Naughtiest Girl?

Be honest

Look, I have been an avid, voracious reader ever since I was Wee Baby Cheapo. During my formative pre-teen and early teen years, I read Famous Five, Hardy Boys, Three Investigators, Nancy Drew and even Mallory Towers.

Admittedly, there are a lot of stuff that I have not read. But those stuff are usually the intellectual la-di-dah stuff. If something is relatively popular (real popular by real people, not critics), I have either read them or know of them.

I have never even heard of the Naughtiest Girl.

So she is out.

And then there is Lyra. Admittedly, a nice character.

However, The Dark Materials (I love that bloody polar bear) is pure propaganda. Philip Pullman is the anti-C. S. Lewis. While The Chronicles of Narnia is pure advertisement of Christianity, the Dark Materials is pure advertisement for atheism.

I have no problem with religion or atheism.

But please, spare the kids.

Adults, are more or less all, bastards. Propagate as much as you want to them.

But leave the kids alone, eh?

Kids are, in general, imbeciles. They have highly impressionable minds and as such should not be exposed to propaganda at an early age.

That’s why they should not be force-fed Bible, Koran, Gita, Torah, Mein Kamf, The Arsenal Match-day Program or The Commie Manifesto (the most dangerous book out there).

Similarly, no CS Lewis or Philip Pullman for anyone under 16 please. Nothing good can come out of confusing children or telling young girls and Gudduda that if they wear lipstick, they will be disqualified from heaven (that’s the fate that befalls Susan Pevensie btw….again, read the books people)

So, in summary Lyra is out.

So the list now looks like this

  1. Hermoine Granger – Potter
  2. Matilda – Matilda
  3. Georgina (George) Kirrin – Famous Five
  4. May Lennox – Secret Garden
  5. Jo March – Little Women
  6. Alice – Alice in Wonderland

I need 4 substitute relevant entries.

Let’s see who all we can include.

 

The first one is the easiest – The Girl on Fire, the Mockingjay Katniss Everdeen.

Her father dies at 11, her mother goes into PTSD, she almost starves to death – all that at age 11. She starts going into the forest to hunt and into the black market to barter for food; at 12 she enters into the tesseare. At 16 she volunteers for the Hunger Games to save her little sister and becomes the Girl on Fire and wins the Hunger Games. At 17 she becomes the Mockingjay. At 18, she ends the war. And loses her little sister in a bomb blast.

She is already the symbol of rebellion everywhere in real life – from Ferguson to Thailand.

Her entry is a no-brainer.

And so is the entry of Tiffany Aching.

At the age of  9, she went to battle the Queen of the Fairies to rescue her brother Wentworth, armed with a frying pan, her granny’s magic book (Diseases of the Sheep) and the Nac Mac Feegle, the Wee Free Men.

At age 11, she learnt to step out of her body to defeat the unbeatable unkillable hiver, helped by Granny weatherwax and the Nac Mac Feegle, the Wee Free Men.

At age 13, she had to fend off the Wintersmith who was in love with her and play the role of summer to bring forth spring – of course with the help of the Nac Mac Feegle, the Wee Free Men.
By the time she was 15/16, she had to help the old Baron to a peaceful death, defeat the Cunning Man, assure her own stead, open a school, make peace between the Chalk-folk and the Feegles, converse with a legendary female wizard, and speak to herself from the future.

Who else?

Well Nancy Drew can go there. She did solve all those crimes.

And so can Dorothy from Wizard of Oz.

That’s 8 of 10 taken care of.

Who else who else?

I wish I could include Buffy Summers or any of the X-Men girls, but one;s made for tv and the other lot are from comics. Though both fall under fiction, it feels like not cricket, if you know what I mean.

Well, there’s Annabeth Chase from the Percy Jackson series. She is similar to Granger with added divine powers (she is Athena’s daughter).

 

And finally, we have Death’s granddaughter herself – Susan Sto Helit.

As Death’s granddaughter, Susan inherited certain of his abilities. She can:

  • Walk through walls
  • Live outside time
  • Be a little bit immortal
  • Find any living creature,
  • Sense whether or not an entity is human,
  • Understand the intentions of the Death of Rats The Grim Squeeker
  • Has the ability to use her grandfather’s voice to command or intimidate others

Susan inherited Death’s perfect memory, which includes the ability to “remember the future,” and an instinctive knowledge of the nature of Death’s work

When Death took a vacation, she had to take up Death’s responsibilities. At age 16.

A year or two later, she saved the Hogfather (Santa Claus) by beating the Auditors and killing the assassins.

She later assisted the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (and Ronny Soach, who had left the team for creative differences) to defeat the Auditors (who were trying to destroy the world by stopping time so that they could catch up on the paperwork) by finding the son of Time.

Time’s husband, Wen the Eternally Surprised, describes her as “Helpfulness Personified.”

Also, the link between Susan and Mary Poppins is explicitly alluded to in Hogfather, when Susan states that “She’d sworn that if she did indeed ever find herself dancing on rooftops with chimney sweeps, she’d beat herself to death with her own umbrella.”

So there

 

Here’s my alternate list, from books that I have read

My List of 10 Inspirational Girls in Fiction

  1. Katniss Everdeen – Hunger Games
  2. Hermione Granger – Harry Potter
  3. Alice – Alice in Wonderland
  4. Tiffany Aching – Discworld
  5. Jo March – Little Women
  6. Susan Sto Helit – Discworld
  7. Dorothy – Wizard of Oz
  8. Georgina (George) Kirrin – Famous Five
  9. Nancy Drew – Nancy Drew
  10. Annabeth Chase – Percy Jackson
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One thought on “Forgive Them, for They are Imbeciles

  1. Love the insight you provide through all your blogs. I have barely read any of these books during my childhood. Have ready the Famous Five almost entirely and loved Georgina and she really was an inspiration in all of Enid Blyton’s Famous Five series. A bit of Harry Potter, a bit of Nancy Drew. Have watched the Hunger Games [not read :)] and Katniss Aberdeen (Jennifer Lawrence) is once again a very strong and inspiring character. I am now really inspired to read all of these. Thanks for that. Keep writing and enlightening

    Liked by 1 person

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