Who am I?

March 14th is a bad day.

Its a day that makes me burst out crying every year; every year I hope and pray that it would be the last March 14 I would see, but every year life kicks me again.

And the vicious cycle of misery continues.

This year is no different.

I am drinking copious quantities of alcohol diluted with tears of misery while writing this thing.

And what am I wiring?

 

An Introduction to the Permacrock Shambles that is Fat Uncle Cheapo.

 

I am a 34 year old (allegedly) human (probably) with the mind of a 14 year old and a body (which resembles a cross between Quasimodo and Humpty Dumpty after the fall) of an 84 year old.

Historians have unearthed ancient papyrus and deciphered the codes regarding my origin.

They claim I was born in Kolkata (I have no recollection of that event). I do remember spending a lot of time in Kolkata as a toddler though. So, they maybe onto something here.

Ever since the days of Wee Toddler Cheapo, my mother has been trying to make me a better man. Suffice to say that it has been a glorious failure of Gilgameshesque proportions.

She tried to make me better at studies. Unfortunately, critics opine that I am a dunderheaded nincompoop.

She tried to make me a singer. I got classes in RabindraSangeet as well as classical. The less said about that the better. My voice resembles a bull frog with laryngitis, so imagine the cacophony.

She tried to make me a classical musician. I got lessons in sitar for about 2 years. Chronicles say that I was better than average. Unfortunately, it was extremely boring and I gave up.

She tried to make me a painter. Now this I enjoyed. I was pretty good (in amateurish levels). But as I am a dunderheaded nincompoop, I had to focus way more on my studies just to survive and so slowly gave up painting.

I still try to dabble in it occasionally but the results aren’t worth digestion.

You would think all those extra hours studying would bear fruit right?

I come from a family of academic overachievers – all national scholars and jewels of their field.

Expectations were high.

My results were low – culminating in the nadir of high school exams where I went down in a blaze of donkeydung, courtesy mathematics and statistics.

[I do have to point out this though. I am in general a kind and generous man, that’s just my opinion; of course you may disagree. I have many flaws admittedly, but I never claim to be something that I am not. I forgive people. But there are some people who are truly dredges of society and deserve no forgiveness. These people I hate.

And one of them was the statistics teacher in high school.

This man spent two whole years persecuting a fatty weirdo for struggling with the subject. He used to come in the classroom and just kick me out for being slow. As a teacher, it was his duty to help me or at least to counsel me to give up the subject as early as possible. Instead, he spent two years making me stand out in the corridor.]

The dark looks of disappointment and desolation from all the family were a sight to behold.

Lives were ruined, dreams were shattered, spirits were crushed – and all because I was a bad student.

Fortunately, when you are at nadir, there are two ways to look at things

  1. The only way is up
  2. We may as well make home here and get comfortable; we aren’t going anywhere.

Guess which one I chose?

[I should point out at this juncture that things are a lot better now. Nowadays, I exceed a lot of people’s expectations just by getting out of bed, such is the nature of my beautiful spine.]

Also, in a way nadir was good.

A. Weight of expectations regarding success was gone forever; the family started looking at me like an unmitigated loser

B. It allowed me to choose English.

I suck at most things in life – I am a loser to my family, the worst ID and employee to my bosses and a pathetic nagging weirdo bore to my friends.

But, at least I can write in English.

Of course, I am nowhere near the levels of the two Krishna Sir garus (the debonair grand poobah of Himachal Pradesh, who is doggedly fulfilling the role of my mentor despite my best efforts to ruin his intellectual reputation and the tall dark handsome best ID from SKILD).

But, and this is my opinion and only mine, I am miles better than the hordes of pretentious snobbish charlatans roaming around writing cliche-filled vomit inducing politically motivated garbage.

English allowed me to graduate and allowed me to post-graduate.

English allowed me to present papers in two international conferences.

English allowed me to get published.

English allowed me financial independence.

And most importantly, English pushed me into a life where I got the chance to meet some wonderful people who have made my life worth living and have made me a better man (despite all my attempts to the contrary). Had I chosen something other than English, I would never have met these people, and as a result, my life would have been infinitely worse.

Chronologically, they are:

  • Nabamita Das Bhoumick
  • Abdul Shahir
  • Sandesh Raju
  • Jimbo
  • Brownie
  • Saurabh Singhanapally
  • Dr. Hemalatha Nagarajan
  • Pallavi Pande nee Mandavgane
  • Dr. KBS Krishna
  • Jyotika Khullar

So there you have it – a summary of my academic disaster-piece and subsequent depths of degradation in career.

Of course, there have been:

  • Gold medal in recitation (Grasshopper green is a comical chap)
  • Bronze medal in 4*100 meters relay race
  • Gold medal/championship in football (school, club, university)
  • 18th in National Entrance Exam for MA
  • 100 out of 100 in Neurolinguistics – a record (don’t know if its still standing – but even if others have reached it, I will always be the first one, so suck it haters)
  • O Grade (highest) in MA Dissertation
  • 5.12 in 6 GPA
  • 1st in National Entrance exam for MPhil
  • Presentation in SCONLI, 2006
  • Presentation in SALA 2006, Central Institute of Indian Languages, Mysore
  • Back to back Nominations for Achievements in the Field of E-Learning in Asia

But these are aberrations and can be safely ignored.

Now, lets go into details about Fat Uncle Cheapo, shall we.

 

His Love Life

Don’t remember puppy crushes, but in adult life, there have been a few times when the old heart has done somersaults.

The first crush happened in college with P – but then Kingshuk did what he had to.

Then I went to CIEFL, and there was another P. I was all ready to propose to her when I found out that she loves Saurabh Mishra. So it remained unsaid.

Then there was Mithila. That ended in acrimony and abuses.

Then there was a torrid passionate vivid glorious unbridled lust-affair with the Bourgeois Biggani Saikat Chakraborty, which ended when he abandoned me because I did not have a Phd.

Finally, there was S. She befriended me, made me open up and then got bored and abandoned me and has given me more grief than almost all others put together.

I don’t blame her, I would have abandoned me too.

So there you have it.

Compared to some other friend of mine, who is only 2 years older, but has till date, had 47 crushes/loves, my love life has been mucho boring.

I love rarely.

But when I do, I do deeply.

Currently, am in love with

IMG_20160116_111219

 

His Religious Views 

Hindu Brahmin by birth.

Agnostic, but spiritual by nature.

Pastafarian by choice – Viva la Pasta!!!

An ordained member of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster – have been touched by His Noodly Appendage.

Ramen!

 

His Political Views 

I am an equal opportunity hater – I hate all the organized religions equally.

But there is a group who are deadlier than any religious organization ever; a group who has killed more people than malaria, ebola, plague, cholera, smallpox, Bangladeshis and aids combined – the Commies.

And I hate them with every single fiber of my electrons, protons and morons.

And I support anybody who is anti-communist.

I don’t care if you are a genocidal cannibalistic nihilistic Arsenal fan, if you are anti-Commie, am ok with you.

And before someone pipes up, my problems with Communism is multi-faceted.

Communism is inherently violent and promotes wide-spread genocide and destruction

The new age Communists have fuck-all to fight for. They are pretty much all born with silver spoons up their ass. They sit in their AC rooms, sip their Cokes, munch on their KFCs and write about the problems facing the peasants, the miners, the artisans and the working class. They will promote violence and lockouts at the drop of a hat, never mind the hundreds and thousands of workers who will slowly starve to death.

The old world Commies were actually peasants, miners, factory workers. They knew the actual problems, they fought for their rights, they fought against the exploitation.

I have respect for that lot – they had an ideology based on their own 1st hand problems. They believed in something and were prepared to sacrifice everything for it.

The new age Commies are not ready to sacrifice a day of their lives. While in high school and college they read about Communism and decided that its “cool”. So they have got it in their heads, that they deserve everything and can get away with everything because that’s what a Commie Utopia supposedly is. if anyone challenges back, they start whining about fascists and freedom of speech.

Barring the ones who join full time politics, not even 1 in 1000 will desist from joining an MNC at the drop of a hat, but they are all Commies whose hearts bleed for their fellow man.

Shameless hypocrites.

Also, I believe in secularism, but proper secularism like the way the French practice it. I abhor the appeasement politics that gets practiced in India under the guise of secularism.

My paternal grandparents were hardcore VHP.

My maternal grandparents were hardcore Communists.

I hate both VHP and Communists in equal measure. I also hate the Indian AntiNational Congress for their unquenchable greed and lust for money and power.

So whom do I vote for?

Whoever is the most anti-Commie at the moment, of course.

In the past, I have voted for Congress and TMC. Nowadays, I vote for BJP.

And no, it does not mean I am a blind supporter of BJP.

  • I am against their stance on homo sex
  • I am against their stance on energy production (more coal? seriously?)
  • I am against their shilly shallying and dilly dallying regarding the tax cheats and black money hoarders
  • I am against their complete and utter failure to check inflation in onions, pulses etc.
  • I am against their destruction of India’s greenery
  • I am against their appeasement policy towards the Jats, just for the sake of votes
  • I am against their half-assedness regarding beef bans. As a non-mammalian and  wannabe vegetarian, I am strictly for a ban on killing of all animals
  • I am against their completely unacceptable attitude towards the JNU students. Those students are Commies and as such, should have immediately had their citizenships revoked and been deported to Somalia.

 

I am against every single Indian political party for their failure in banning and enforcing the ban on FGM, dowry, Dalit oppression, underage marriage (for girls -23, for boys -25), honour killings, animal abuse and babies in flights and trains.

 

Things He IS Passionately Against

  1. Animal Abuse
  2. Abuse of children
  3. FGM
  4. Abuse of women
  5. Dowry
  6. Religion in school
  7. Caste system
  8. Presstitutes
  9. Censorship
  10. Illegal Immigration
  11. Mango ice-cream
  12. East Bengal Football Club
  13. Dhotis
  14. Pretentious snobs
  15. Bureaucrats

 

Things He IS Passionate About 

  1. Animal rights and welfare
  2. Chelsea
  3. Mohun Bagan
  4. Reading books
  5. Travelling
  6. Naturism
  7. Tattoos
  8. History and archaeology
  9. Alcohol
  10. Environment
  11. Separate sound proof cages for babies in airplanes and trains
  12. Deadpool
  13. Blogging
  14. Pillows
  15. Professional Wrestling

 

His Neighbourhood Policy 

I love Nepal and Bhutan.

I have no issues with Sri Lanka.

I do not hate Pakistanis but hate Pakistan’s upper echelons who have over the years raised the bogey of India to divert the minds of the ordinary folks from their rights. As a result, there exists one of the most extreme levels of economic difference between the 0.001% and the rest of the ordinary folk. Moreover the poverty has left the masses ripe for brainwashing from the zealots.

And then there are the Bangladeshis. If you have read my blogs, you know what I feel about them.

But why?

Uno

You have heard of the plight of the Yazidis and Christians at the hands of ISIS right?

The exact same thing happened at a much larger scale to the Hindus in Bangladesh in the 1940s. The British government turned a blind eye while the Indian Anti-national Congress chose to be mum for the sake of “secularism” while lakhs of Hindus were butchered and raped, their homes burnt, their properties plundered. 3 of my 4 grandparents were victims of that genocide; they had to leave everything and run away to save their lives and came over here as refugees.

Dos

Mithila is a Bangladeshi

Tres

East Bengal football club is a great rival of Mohun Bagan. Mohun Bagan is the national club of India. East Bengal is the national club of Bangladesh. As such, I want East Bengal to lose every single match till the end of time.

 

His Greatest Regrets 

  • Failure to save Jimbo
  • Not proposing to P in university
  • Opening up to S
  • Choosing wrong subjects in high school
  • Failure at suicide
  • Not being able to play football anymore

 

His Moniker as the Collapso King

I have had 3 surgeries so far.

I have been to hospital many more times.

Currently, organs/parts that are malfunctioning include

  • Ears
  • Lungs
  • Heart
  • Liver
  • Spine
  • Nerves
  • Feet

I have collapsed on top of some of the top destinations in India – Ajanta, Humayun’s Tomb, Palitana, Taj Mahal, Gangtok,

 

His Moniker as the Fallen Angel

List of places he has fallen from

  • Chair
  • Bed
  • Bench
  • Sofa
  • Train
  • Bus
  • Rickshaw
  • Auto rickshaw
  • Swing
  • Tram
  • Camel
  • A motor boat into the Bay of Bengal

 

His Tattoos

IMG_0023a IMG_0019 IMG_20150822_164217 IMG_20140906_195938 IMG_20140906_191936 IMG_20140628_172351 Picture 072

 

His Favorite Destinations

  • Berlin
  • Siem Reap
  • Kathmandu
  • Pokhra
  • Rishikesh
  • Jaisalmer
  • Gangtok
  • Sunderbans
  • Hampi
  • Darjeeling

His Favorite Authors

  • Sir Terry Pratchett
  • Stuart Macbride
  • Agatha Christie
  • P.G. Wodehouse
  • Alistair Maclean
  • Susanna Gregory
  • Satyajit Ray
  • Sukumar Ray
  • Uderzo and Goscinny

His Favorite Characters 

  • Dorfl the Golem – taught me that Words in the Heart can not be Taken
  • Obelix – taught me friendship
  • Captain Carrot – taught me that Personal isn’t the same as Important
  • Logan McRae- taught me that no matter how hard you try, life will always be about shattered dreams and broken bones
  • Peeta Mellark – taught me that no matter how bad life treats you, you have to be what you are, you have to be true to yourself
  • Neville Longbottom – taught me to stand up for what I believe in
  • Ramsay Bolton – taught me that if I ever thought that things will not get worse, then I have not been paying attention

Come to think of it, my relationship with life is pretty much like the one between Theon Grayjoy and Ramsay. Suffice to say that I am Theon in that particular relationship.

 

His Most Prized Possessions

  • The Beard that Totally Reeks of Awesomeness IMG_5048
  • The Gun IMG_20160314_150727
  • Sir Bonesalot
  • The Camel Teeth Necklace
  • The Japojantra
  • The Giant Talking Dildo  CSC_1981

 

 

Now, I am so drunk, I think I just bought a laptop.

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