Battle of Sandwich

When you hear about a battle of sandwich, what comes to mind?

Maybe Subway vs some sandwich maker

Or someone trying to eat Joey Tribbiani’s food

Or a school cafeteria food fight


But, as usual, history is stranger.

You see, armies fought and killed hundreds, not once, but twice, all over Sandwich.


The first battle was on 24 August 1217.

King John, being a royal reprobate, had refused to follow the Magna Charta (I hope you know that particular document is important….it was basically the first rule ever that stipulated that even the king is not above the laws of the land).

The barons naturally got pissed and called for a review.

King Philip of France acted as the third umpire and declared it to be a foul.

And thus started the First Barons War in 1212.

Initially, it was King John and his supporters against the barons and the French.

But in 1216, King John (probably had some chaat from Delhi and thus) literally shat himself to death.

The Barons were against John, but not against English royalty per se. So they anointed John’s wee son as the next king and started fighting the invading Frenchies.

That war continued for a year.

The Frenchies decided to send reinforcements. They sent 10 large ships and 70 supply vessels full of soldiers and provisions under a pirate called Eustace the Monk.

The English were waiting.  Hubert de Burgh attacked the French fleet with 16–18 large ships and 20 smaller ships.

This was at a place called Sandwich.

What does European history tell us?

It tells us that the French always loses. Hell, they remain the only people on the planet who fought a civil war where both sides lost (The Liberty Equality Beyonce mob vs the Lets have Cake gang – Napoleon won)

True to form, the French lost.


You would think that all these proud men would think twice about fighting in a place called sandwich right?


About two hundred years later, during the height of the English civil war, a Yorkist fleet under Sir John Denham smashed a Lancastrian fleet. It was an undoubted success; records tell us that “”tooke the principall shippes of the Kynge’s navie… well furnished with ordinaunce and artillarie””


And thus endeth this lesson in history.


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