The Great Debate of the Year

And so we come to this

The great debate of this year

Not Brexit

Not Rexit

Not the Labour Party revolt against Corbyn

Not Trump, Sanders or Hillary

Not Subramaniam Swamy spreading like Greek wildfire

Not the epic drubbing that Mamata handed to the Communists in Bengal

Not even the tax dodger Messi throwing a hissy fit and his toys out of the pram and quitting

No, the great debate of the year is about who will become the next England manager in football.

 

As you all know, in the space of a few days Brexit happened twice.

First, large swathes of English and Welsh people declared that all that rain and the increasing cost of tea is surely the fault of the Poles and the Bulgarians and voted themselves out of Euro.

And then a bunch of Icelandic Vikings led by a dentist humiliated the millionaire prima donnas of England.

And thus, as surely as night follows day, we have had the managerial resignation.

And thus the debate and speculation.

Who will be the next England manager?

The FA asked Gareth Southgate.

He responded pretty much like this

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The FA wants Arsene Wenger

Its a match made in heaven – a team which is a disaster in the knockout rounds of European competition managed by a man who is a disaster in the knockout rounds of European competition.

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Lets look at the facts.

England is a team that is made up of a bunch of talented young players along with Raheem Sterling and Jordan Henderson.

Unfortunately (or fortunately for anti-England fans like me), as a whole, the team has the tactical acumen of a water buffalo and the confidence and testicular fortitude of mashed potato.

The English FA and media, on the other hand, have the hubris, delusions of grandeur, and megalomania to rival Agamemnon, Sissiphus, the Kharazeim Emperor who fought Genghis Khan, and Arsene Wenger.

So, instead of addressing the weaknesses, they are forever running after the El Dorado of championship glory and beautiful attractive football.

I am, essentially a generous man. And I have made nice friends in the Republic of Guffitania, most of whom are English,

So, for their sake, I am making this list of suitable managers.

First, lets see the top managers around

  1. Sir Alex – Balls of granite who don’t give a rat’s arse about the media, the FA or reputations of opposition
  2. The Unhappy One – Dogged defense, counter-attack and winning by any means necessary
  3. Pep – If he can’t teach the players to keep the ball, no one can
  4. Sampaoli – That Chile team he built played like a bunch of pitbulls mixed with velociraptors; the perfect example of the whole being far greater than the sum of their parts
  5. Uncle Carlo – A Championship manager per excellence; the perfect man to calm nerves with some wine and pasta
  6. Conte – Fuck off England, he is ours
  7. Simeone – Nastier version of Sampaoli
  8. Van Gaal – Well, the current system ain’t working, might as well play Sterling as centre back

Now, Sir Fergie is a Scotchman. He will be disqualified from the kilt if he manages England, so he is out.

The Unhappy One has previously said that he will not manage national teams till he turns 60; and even if he does surely he will manage Portugal.

Pep’s there, but he is a shrewd man and he only takes on assignments where success is pretty much guaranteed. Taking on England is the equivalent of managing Hamburg, Fiorentina, Athletic Bilbao or Arsenal. Plus being a shrewd man he knows the futility of trying to teach tiki taka to Jordan Henderson, Adam Lalana, Ashley Young, Raheem et all.

That leaves Sampaoli, Simeone, Van Gaal and Uncle Carlo.

Uncle is currently managing Bayern, why would he take a demotion to England?

The English have this fascination with attractive attacking football, so that rules out Simeone.

That leaves Van Gaal and Sampaoli.

Both would be very good appointments in my opinion.

So naturally, the FA won’t appoint them. After all, this is the same lot who didn’t appoint Brian Clough – the best English manager in history –  when they had the chance.

Of course, some say that having a foreign manager in charge of the national team is cheating.

So here are the English managers

  1. Big Sam
  2. Red Nev
  3. Harry
  4. Steve Bruce
  5. Phil Brown
  6. Alan Pardew
  7. Nigel Pearson
  8. Gary Monk
  9. Tactics Tim
  10. Ian Holloway
  11. Alan Curbishley
  12. Steve Coppell
  13. Neil Warnock
  14. Steve McLaren
  15. Tony Mowbray
  16. Paul Jewell
  17. Nigel Adkins
  18. Alan Shearer

Some of them too young (Monk), some of them too old (Harry, Curbishley, McLaren), some of them too Phil Brown.

Look at them – Mowbray, Coppell, Pearson, Bruce, Adkins, Jewell, Warnock, Holloway – are any of them any major improvement on Roy Hodgson?

Simple answer is no.

So that leaves Tactics Tim, Pardew, Shearer, Red Nev and Big Sam.

Red Nev has been a disaster so far in his managerial career. Ditto Shearer.

So they are out.

Pardew is a one season wonder – he will do well in the first season and flop badly 2nd season onwards – not traits you want in your national manager.

So Tactics Tim or Big Sam

 

Now, lets face it England are a C or D level team.

(A – Germany, Argentina, Italy, France, Chile

B – Belgium, Croatia, Colombia, Brazil, Spain

C – Portugal, Holland, Croatia, Uruguay, Wales)

But with that Euro League thing coming up, they are going to be in Group A, where they will have to play Germany, Italy, France, Belgium, Spain etc.

Chances of humiliation and relegation are huge.

Big Sam is a master of avoiding relegation, and doing just about enough with limited squads.

He would be the ideal manager.

 

So, I really wish, England FA opt for Tactics Tim.

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