Death before Decaf

What is the greatest discovery in human history?

Bear in mind am talking of discoveries, not inventions, so don’t harass me with stuff about condoms or internet or Gutenberg or Watt’s steam engine or even historical stuff life wheel, nails, compass etc.

Am talking discoveries – stuff that was already there in nature but humans found a way to harness it for the benefit of all.

I should also point out that any claims of “discovery of land” will be met with a look of epic disdain. Such discoveries were only by “white” men, people had been living on those lands for hundreds of years before the whiteys turned up. So stuff like “Columbus discovered America” is wrong historically, technically, logically and grammatically.


So what is the greatest discovery in human history?

Of course, there are many contenders.

For example, the ancient dude who discovered fire is definitely one of the top 5 most important discoverers of all time.

The ancient dude who discovered cow milk, on the other hand, was a pervert.

Some ancient Sumerian discovered/invented musical notation, without music life becomes dull. But here’s the thing, even without notations, just from oral traditions, some sort of music/singing would have survived.

Of course, there’s Archimedes and all that volume and nudity business.

And Newton and his apples (before he discovered gravity, we could all fly, the bastard)

And Fleming and his penicillin

And Faraday and his electricity generator

And Scheele and oxygen

And Jenner and vaccination

And a whole cornucopia of deviants also known as mathematicians

And Galileo/Copernicus and the solar system

And Darwin and all that monkey business and so on and so forth

But here’s the thing, important though they all were, some were more important than the others.

Let’s face it, for the average human, knowledge that he is the cousin of a chimpanzee does not add anything in his life, nor does the knowledge of solar system.

So what are top discoveries?

Any normal person would say

Volume maybe

Electricity, of course

Vaccination, for sure

Penicillin, of course

And the fire


But you are all wrong.

Barring fire, the greatest discovery in human history was done by an Ethiopian goat herd.

He discovered coffee.

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The goatherd’s name may have been Kaldi.

One day, while out herding goats and dreaming of boobies, Kaldi noticed his goats becoming energetic shouting all kinds of “baaaah” when they chewed the red berries on an unfamiliar bush. He tried the berries himself and found the effect mucho good.

kaldi-adapted-from-uker keci3_hikayesi

All excited, he and the goats ran to the nearest monastery.

Seeing the over-exuberant Kaldi and his over-enthusiastic goats, the chief monk allegedly exclaimed “Are you possessed?” and threw the berries in the fire calling them the Devil’s work. But soon after, the smell of fresh roasted coffee filled the pious halls of the monastery, enticing the monks. After the chief monk dozed off, a young rebellious monk snatched the cooling beans from the fire pit. This innovator, the world’s first barista, mixed the beans with water and the resulting brew kept the monks up all night thanking their creator.

Meanwhile, word of these fragrant, energizing berries traveled to another corner of Ethiopia and caught the imagination of the Galla tribe. The Galla mixed the berry with ghee, a clarified butter, and pressed the mixture into a scrumptious power bar. Their warriors marched into battle with their new, energizing snack and were invincible! In fact, similar bars are still eaten in Kaffa and Sidamo, Ethiopia to this day.

Other accounts attribute the discovery of coffee to Sheikh Omar. According to the ancient chronicle (preserved in the Abd-Al-Kadir manuscript), Omar, who was known for his ability to cure the sick through prayer, was once exiled from Mocha in Yemen to a desert cave near Ousab (modern day Wusab, about 90 km east of Zabid). Starving, Omar chewed berries from nearby shrubbery, but found them to be bitter. He tried roasting the seeds to improve the flavor, but they became hard. He then tried boiling them to soften the seed, which resulted in a fragrant brown liquid. Upon drinking the liquid Omar was revitalized and sustained for days. As stories of this “miracle drug” reached Mocha, Omar was asked to return and was made a saint. discovery-of-coffee-mystic

So there you have it, the greatest discovery in the history of mankind.

benefits-of-coffee-meme funny-Venn-Diagram-coffee

Coffee is life, coffee is love.

Just imagine your life without coffee? Is it worth living anymore?

I don’t care if its cappuccino or latte or espresso – as long as there is caffeine in it, me likey likey.

And of course, decaf coffee is not coffee, its an abomination upon mankind and a sure sign of corruption, decadence degeneration, depravity, degradation, perversion, heinousness and moral turpitude.

Its the easiest test to find out the character of a person.

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