You thought that epics are dead didn’t you?
Not any more.
Here is the tale of our heroic heroine Jyotikus and her epic quest to reach M – a place full of peace, happiness and calm.
But just like all epics worth their salt, sugar and spice, this journey would be far from easy and nice.
Because the fates, those three old crones, don’t make things easy for anybody and had plans for her.
They threw down the gauntlet – if you want to fulfill your quest, you have to prove to us that you deserve to be in the land of M.
Jyotikus said bring it on sistas, I will do anything to get M, who is my mista.
You shouldn’t tempt fate, because fate strikes back.
As the day of the beginning of quest approached, the fates whisked away Mama Jyo to a distant place. Not content with that, they then kidnapped all of Jyotikus’s friends and colleagues (all the good ones anyway).
Moreover, they turned all the remaining colleagues around her into blithering idiots.
Furthermore, they put Papa Jyo into deep sleep.
And finally, to sap whatever strength she had left, they turned her food into salt.
Our heroic heroine was flustered, exhausted, hungry and tired.
But she remained undeterred.
Is that all you got, she taunted the fates?
Very bad idea indeed.
The day of the quest approached.
One bright sunny day, with verve, vim, vigor, vitality and a vehemently venereal vagaga, our heroic heroine started her quest.
The sky darkened, the wind blew like a gale, hails the size of olives pounded the earth mercilessly trying to cower our heroine into submission.
But our heroine was not to be denied.
Injured, and in pain from a whacked knee, she continued undaunted.
The fabled land of M came nearer and nearer.
She could hear the sweet melodious voice, could smell the strong manly scent, could almost reach out and touch the bulging muscles..
But fate had one last trick to play.
From the deepest pits of hell, they brought forth and unleashed a monster.
A monster so vicious and deadly and ugly that according to mythological accounts, it was responsible for the fall of Troy, for the disappearance of Atlantis, for the eruption of Vesuvius…the beast responsible for the deaths of umpteen men and for turning Hercules mad, the beast responsible for turning Medusa into a Gorgon, the one who made Leonidas commit suicide and the one who turned Darius III and Mark Antony into fucking idiots……..all through a constant, incessant, never-ending whine……none other than the harbinger of death, the doomer of civilization – Fat Uncle Cheapo.
And immediately our heroine felt the pain. The same Jyotikus who had endured all manners of stuff that the fates had thrown at her started quivering with unbearable agony.
But the beast continued its torture.
With every shout from his guttural throat, the monster was destroying 30 minutes of her life, slowly shriveling her soul.
Our heroine was about to become mad and pass out from the pain, when she had a revelation.
She remember the old adage about words being the most powerful weapon in the world.
And so she stood up, faced the monster, and like Theoden/Saruman from LOTR, she said – you have no power here monster!
You are powerless, you are pathetic, you are inconsequential, you are insignificant. You are just an infinitesimal irrelevance in the grand scheme of things, so am not scared of you.
Begone monster and never come back.
And that’s it.
Fat Uncle Cheapo was gone, gone back to the deepest pits of hell from whence he came.
Jyotikus looked up at the sky and shouted out – who is next fate, come on, am still standing.
But for once, the fates had no answer.
They had played their strongest weapon and had lost.
So they bowed their heads and went away.
The clouds left, the mist parted, the sun shone brightly once again, and when Jyotikus turned, lo and behold, there was M, the apricot of her eyes.