I believe it was Shakespeare who wrote the immortal lines
Shall I compare thee to a donkey’s balls?
Thou art weaker and more prone to spectacular falls.
Rough winds do make thee collapse and shout oy vey,
And health’s lease hath all too short a day.
Well, this could have been an apt commentary on Cheapo’s life over the last few years.
Pain, suffering, humiliation and rejection became an integral inescapable part of life.
Life started falling into a vortex of misery.
And nadir was attained when the girl he loved deleted Cheapo from her life.
Merry effing Christmas and a Happy effing New Year eh?
So what exactly is there to look forward to next year?
More pain? More misery? More rejections?
Well, yes, but there’s also more GUFF.
Throughout human history, there have been groups made up of people with diverging interests or skills – think Arthur’s Round Table or SamudraGupta’s Nine Jewels or the Catholic church or the Freemasons etc etc.
Well GUFF is better than them all.
All those groups pale into insignificance when you realize the diverse and motley group of miscreants that together make up GUFF. The talent and skill levels are stupendous (of course Cheapo brings the average down), the humanity exhibited gives a beacon of home to the world.
There is an Officer and a gravy obsessed Lesbian (you cross them at your own peril, hell hath no fury like these two when scorned)
A bunch of wee lads and lassies on the cusp of losing their freedom and joy (Owen, Sourav, Ronan, Eeshan)
A sexually confused Herring
A Communist Wetfish who loves taking gigantic dumps in his office
A hardcore fascist Lazio fan called Gustave who has a tattoo of Il Duce on his scrotum
The best friends Dave and Dick; Dick disappears regularly, and strangely whenever he disappears, there is an outbreak of poo related vandalism in the northern parts of England; Dave supports Spurs, the poor man.
The BDSM community is represented by Ruprict and Burakov.
The French community by a man who was born Offside and who loiters around the Pacific Islands (the lucky so and so); the Irish – pub hogger Kieran, the Greek – Kostas, the Persian – Mahyar
We have a member of the divinity in Bass and a member of the judiciary in Olden
The rich community by Richard and Viktor
The intellectual community by Sidney, a Bespectacled Simian, and Singhanapally
The spreadshit community by a cold donkey called Simon and a hipster ManU fan who loves puns
The sexiest member is, without a doubt, Pablita; the laziest Liam, the
Publique, Zulu and the Man from Nantucket bring the Weirdo in Guff; they represent the Golden Shower community
We have a few barcodes in our midst among whom Chris, poor Chris, has his cup overflowing with woe; not only is he sleep deprived, but he is also a Newcastle fan and the only Guffer who has somehow managed to lose a match against Fat Uncle Cheapo in the H2H.
There is Nicholas who seduces Olga while roaming around Germany on trains, there’s Dermott who is a musician, Gareth, the best man and wee Ronnie, who grew up in a nursery rhyme.
We have a Don, a John and a Bjorn.
And we have Stephen – a man who has pissed off more Liverpoodlians than Gary Neville.
Of course, its left to the Chelsea fans to bring in the class and dignity in this varied group – Iain, Joseph, Richard and Olivier.
All of them, and many more, have made GUFF a home away from home; a place of fun, joy, serenity and emotional support.
We help each other, we support each other, and we turn up whenever someone’s in need. We have become so famous that the US Army keeps trying to infiltrate us.
It has transcended its virtual boundary and have given rise to a place where almost anything goes as long as its in good spirits. Hell, its a place where ManU, Pool, and ManCity fans cohabit peacefully, ditto Gooners and Spurs.
Its the closest mankind has managed to recreate the Garden of Eden.
But, well, nobody’s is perfect.
Fat Uncle Cheapo is there, as usual, stinking up the place and bringing the whole thing down a few notches.