Hoy Lord Tennyson, You are on the List

Lord Tennyson was a stupid idiot.

Why?

For coming up with lines like this – “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”

It does not matter that he was talking about the death of a friend, for all practical purpose, its about falling in love.

Its all fine and dandy and romantic for handsome people, charming people, powerful people.

But what about the life’s losers eh? What about people like Cheapo who are ugly, boring, charmless and omniimpotent?

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What Tennyson’s line does is give hopes to the likes of Cheapo, hope that someone out there will love Cheapo, will reciprocate his love.

The truth is that people like Cheapo have no hope. They are destined to live alone, unloved, unwanted.

Women say a lot of stuff about wanting someone honest, someone trustworthy, someone who makes them laugh, someone who treats them as an equal and a partner, someone caring and kind.

But at the end of the day the only things that matter are looks, charm and sexual attraction.

You think that’s hokum? You believe in all that crap about love?

Well, if you do, then you are a stupid idiot.

Let me prove it to you.

This is a list of what Cheapo offers to bring into a relationship

 

1. Lifetime of love, and care
2. Always by your side
3. Always be there to help and support you in whatever way you need, wherever and whenever you need, will push you to be be better and help and support you in that process/journey
4. Will never cheat on you
5. You will be independent and free to make any decision about any kind of settling down
6. Lifetime of poems and stories
7. Like Atlas, will bear and take all the weight off your shoulders
8. I will never ask you to prioritize me over your parents, work, studies or any friend that needs your help/support
9. Will never pester or harass you about marriage or housewife or children or to settle down in my house in India
10.You can have all the free alone time and space that you need
11. A lifetime of travels and adventures in far off lands

Trust – I trust you with my life; and I am sure that you know by know that you can trust me with yours too; plus, hell will freeze over, Vladimir Putin will become the President of China, the sun will turn magenta, Arsenal will win the Champions League and dolphins will walk on earth before I cheat on you, so that’s one thought/worry out of your life forever

Support – You have mine, unconditionally

Advice – Be honest, have I ever given you bad advice? Whatever advice I have given over the years have mad your life better…and its the same with your advices for me

Respect – You already know how much I respect you – just as you are

Personal space/ degree of freedom – Who better than me to understand the need for personal space and time? Who else will give you all the time and space you need and the independence to make your own choices and decisions regarding matters that you truly believe in? Who else will give you all the time in the world to hang out with your friends

Surprises, so that life never becomes stale – You know how creative I am when I am this depressed and broken, imagine how creative I can be when I am happy and healthy….

Family/Relatives – From my side, there will be 0 demands on you, a big fat zero, as long as you love me, my parents will love you, and no body else matters……and you tell me that your parents also have no problems with me

Comfort – I am comfortable sharing everything with you; and I will always respect your comfort levels and zones…..be honest, have’t I always respected your opinions and decisions….have I ever pressurized you into doing anything that you are not comfortable with?……..Who else will make you the most comfortable woman in the world…will give you foot massages at the end of a busy day, long, non-sexual massages (after all this physiotherapy, am quite good at that), will cook for you, will feed you dahi when you have diarrhea

Compatibility/common interests
We both love reading + added bonus, you will get to read and participate in my writing career

We both love animals – life will be full of cats and dogs and turtles and fish and pigs and ponies…..and tell me who else in the world will give you the gift of an elephant?

We both believe in equality and feminine rights

We both love travelling and enjoying different food and culture

Just picture this –

Its a Saturday, a cold winter day, snow falling outside, a cozy medium sized room with 2 walls full of books, a small electric fire on the 3rd wall….there is a big circular/square table in the center and 2 barca loungers side by side with a small nightstand kind of stool in between……we are sitting on the two loungers, the stool has hot steaming chocolate/coffee for us to drink, their aroma is only disturbed by the smell of the dogs and cats who are sleeping on our laps ….. there’s Mozart  playing on the stereo ….tell me that is not something you wont like?

Or this –

Its spring, in the night and we are sitting in front of a tent…the whole damn sky with all its starry glory is above us…..there is a small fire burning in front of us and the only sound coming are from the fucking camels chewing and the wind blowing across the Sahara….we are looking at the sky and trying to identify planets and constellations

With me all this guaranteed, with someone else, you never know right?

So that’s all the things that Cheapo offers.

But, as usual, none of that matters a single jot.

What matters is that Cheapo looks like a cross between Quasimodo, Nobby Nobbs and Jubba the Hutt.

In the Bengali language, there is an aphorism – “bamon hoe chande hat dawa” which roughly translates to trying to touch the moon despite being a dwarf.

And that’s exactly the case for people like Cheapo.

People like Cheapo should not even dream about love and companionship – its an exercise in futility.

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Cheapo always suspected that, but like a stupid idiot, he still dreamed about love and happiness and blurted it out to the girl whom he loves.

Result – rejection obviously

You know what, for being a stupid idiot, Cheapo is also on the list.

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