Friends, Guffers, Fancycunts, do not lend me your ears, what the fuck am I gonna do with all those ears? Instead a few doubloons in the Make Cheapo Great Again fund would be highly appreciated.
No matter what, keep calm and read on for the most electrifying preview in FF history. It is well and truly amazeballs, and once you have read it you will unanimously agree that Cheapo is the New Face of Guff.
Oh Britain, the misty islands, the land of crap beers and sheep shaggers, a land so horrible that their people have been trying to sod off for the last 1000 odd years, a land so fierce that they have been conquered only thrice – first by old Julius, who brought sanitation and bureaucracy, then by the Normans, who brought French and curtains and then by Arsene Wenger, who brought pasta and selective blindness.
These invasions changed the British forever, none so more than the one by the blind professor. Gone were the days of beer, pies, shouting crowds and shitting in your pants while playing. On came the days of tea, prawn sandwich, libraries and hair-gel.
We gooners… we happy gooners, we band of gooners. For he today that poses for a selfie with me shall be my brother!
Bhaiyon and beheno, I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A season may come when the courage of gooners fail, when we forsake our hairgel and break all bonds of selfie stick, but it is not this season. A season of defeats and shattered morales when the Age of Arsene comes crashing down, when Gunnerosaurus Rex finally realizes that he is fucking extinct and when Tom, Dick, Harry and the Potters all manage to destroy the defense set by evil lord Bouldemort, but it is not this day!
Red cards shall be gotten, bones shall be splintered, bottling shall be done, In Crisis we shall become!
A great season… a red and white season… ere the Spuds rises! Pass now!… Pass now!… By all that you hold dear on this good earth, I bid you pass, Men of North London!
So,who are these mighty warriors that will go forth to finish fourth?
And more importantly, whom should you take in your FF team?
Well, here are the heroes.
Lets start with the keepers.
Cech is a bona-fide legend and great keeper. You can buy him for 5.5. But, at the same price you get Lloris, Courtois and De Gea, all of whom pretty much guaranteed to concede less goals over the course of the season. If you don’t want to spend that much on keepers, you can go for Heaton or Boruc or Forster, all of whom cost less.
Then there is Ospina (5) and Martinez (4). If you pick them, you need your head examined.
Next, we come to the defenders.
Koscielny and Bellerin both cost 6. Mustafi and Monreal cost 5.5.
All of them are decent. But, at 6, you can also buy Vertonghen, Toby, Sideshow Bob, Bailly.
At 5.5, you don’t have that many greats around.
So Mustafi or Monreal can both be good additions
Gabriel and Gibbs at 5 is basically taking the piss. BFG moves like a one legged zombie tortoise high on LSD.
Who gives a shit about Holding?
Sead Kolasinac is an unknown quantity, Cheapo hasn’t seen too much of him, so won’t comment. But bear in mind he was a defender for Schalke. Plus he costs 6. Same as Vertonghen, Toby, Sideshow Bob, Bailly. So, upto you.
Don’t blame Cheapo later.
Now comes the midfielders.
The easiest choice in FF seems to be Alexis, he was the highest scorer last year after all. But keep in mind that in order to buy him, you will have to pay with a lot of your money, your right testicle, the blood of a hundred virgins, a dozen unicorn’s kidneys, the eggs of a hundred armadillos and the soul of a thousand babies.
Also, worth considering whether he will be there, he may fuck off to Paris, thereby messing up your team.
Cheapo’s suggestion – wait and watch.
Next up the Invisible Man. For 9.5, he may be considered a good buy, but check the opposition on a particular matchday before selection. You get Alli, Eriksen, Siggurdson, Coutinho, Mane all for similar amounts. So choose wisely based on venue and opposition.
Then comes Ramsay, a decent buy for 7, there aren’t too many out and out point scorers (Fabregas, Mirallas, Winjaldoom, Zaha) at that value; but wait and watch at what position Arsene uses him. If he plays as a deep lying midfielder, he may not be a great point scorer.
Young Theo is there. He is a “great prospect for the future”. But is he a guaranteed starter? Arsene knows.
There are a few other midfielders, if you are seriously considering any of them, then Cheapo has a great scheme that will triple your money in 6 months.
Finally, we come to the strikers.
Will Giroud be there? Even if he is, will he be the guaranteed striker? If the answer for either question is No, then don’t consider him.
Welbeck – why?
Perez – why?
Then there is Lacazette. He will either be the next Henry or the next fox in the box Franny. His price is 10.5. The risk is yours.
We must defeat everybody… Not with hoofing the ball to the big man that will inflame their will, but with innumerable passes that will open their eyes. All those who wish to make the English see, bring in the jerseys from Manchester and Liverpool that you wear today and we will light a fire that will be seen in Dubai and in West London! When we lose and despair and shout Wenger Out, we must remember that the way of cheapskate miserliness has always won. There may be oligarchs and Muricans, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it: always.