The Divine Dong

When you talk about great dongs, you either talk about the Hindu god Shiva (randy pothead nihilist wife beater) or the porn god Ron Jeremy. Pretty much the last person you think of is the prostitute banging Jewish carpenter Jesus.

Of course, you may think of an Arabian pedophile, but he was a dong of a different kind.

Anyway lets come back to Jesus and his dong.

You see, Wee Baby Jesus, as a Jewish boy, had to get his dick snipped. Not the ‘eunucho snip snip’, just the foreskin part. The first reference to the Christ’s severed foreskin comes in the second chapter of the apocryphal Arabic Infancy Gospel which contains the following story:
And when the time of his circumcision was come, namely, the eighth day, on which the law commanded the child to be circumcised, they circumcised him in a cave. And the old Hebrew woman took the foreskin (others say she took the navel-string), and preserved it in an alabaster-box of old oil of spikenard. And she had a son who was a druggist, to whom she said, “Take heed thou sell not this alabaster box of spikenard-ointment, although thou shouldst be offered three hundred pence for it.”

Now, we all know that Jesus managed to severely piss off Pontius Pilate and the priests; result crucifixion. The New Testament tells us that after his resurrection, Jesus was “carried up to Heaven.” It is safe to assume that his dong went along too.

But his HALLOWED HALAL SAUSAGE remained on earth…..and as far the Church was concerned, a way to make mucho mucho money from gullible pilgrims.

You see, for the most part, the only Jesus relics available were leftovers from his crucifixion — things like his crown of thorns, his robe, his sandals, or pieces of the “True Cross” or even that lance which pierced him. Some ancient entrepreneur, however, realized the potential of THE GODLY GYM SLIPPER.

During the Middle Ages, there were numerous claims of people possessing the THE DIVINE DICK DUVET. At one point there were as many as 18 of them.

On December 25, 800, Charlemagne gave it to Pope Leo III during his coronation. Pope Leo III placed it into the Sancta Sanctorum in the Lateran basilica in Rome with other relics. The THE OLYMPIAN ORGANZOLA was then looted during the Sack of Rome in 1527. The German soldier who stole it was captured in the village of Calcata, 47 km north of Rome, later the same year. Thrown into prison, he hid the jeweled reliquary in his cell, where it remained until its rediscovery in 1557. Many miracles (freak storms and perfumed fog overwhelming the village) are claimed to have followed. Housed in Calcata, it was venerated from that time onwards, with the Church approving the authenticity by offering a ten-year indulgence to pilgrims. Pilgrims, nuns and monks flocked to the church, and “Calcata [became] a must-see destination on the pilgrimage map.”

In addition to the THE TRANSCENDENTAL TURTLENECK of Rome (later Calcata), other claimants included the Cathedral of Le Puy-en-Velay, Santiago de Compostela, the city of Antwerp, Coulombs in the diocese of Chartres, as well as Chartres itself, and churches in Besançon, Metz, Hildesheim, Charroux, Conques, Langres, Fécamp, and two in Auvergne.

Another ETHEREAL ELEPHEND arrived in Antwerp in the Brabant in 1100 as a gift from king Baldwin I of Jerusalem, who purchased it in the Holy Land during the first crusade. The bishop of Cambray, during the celebration of the Mass, saw three drops of blood blotting the linens of the altar. A special chapel was constructed and processions organised in honour of the miraculous relic, which became the goal of pilgrimages. In 1426 a brotherhood was founded in the cathedral; its 24 members were all abbots and prominent laymen. The relic disappeared in 1566, but the chapel still exists, decorated by two stained glass windows donated by king Henry VII of England and his wife Elizabeth of York in 1503.

The abbey of Charroux claimed the THE BLESSED BOBSKIN was presented to the monks by Charlemagne.

In the early twelfth century they took it to Rome and paraded it through the streets alongside one of those pieces of the True Cross and Jesus’ sandals, bringing them before Pope Innocent III. At the same time, however, the parish of Calcata north of Rome also claimed to possess the SACRED SKINKLE.

Other claimants included the abbey of Coulombos in the diocese of Chartres, Puy, Metz, Anvers, the church of Notre-Dame-en-Vaux, and Hildersheim.

They all strongly disputed the claims of everyone else. Pope Innocent III decided not to become involved and refused to judge who was right. According to him, only God could know the truth about such a “delicate” matter.

At some point, however, the relic went missing, and remained lost until 1856 when a workman repairing the abbey claimed to have found a reliquary hidden inside a wall, containing the missing piece. A new church was built to house the tiny ringlet of flesh. The rediscovery, however, led to a theological clash with the established Holy Prepuce of Calcata, which had been officially venerated by the Church for hundreds of years.

The Vatican grew less and less supportive of relics. In 1900 the Vatican suggested that foreskins encouraged “irreverent curiosity” and that anyone who spoke or wrote about THE CONSECRATED COCK COVER would be excommunicated.

Gradually the foreskin fever died down after this, although it didn’t disappear entirely. One church in Italy kept up the worship right through the 1980s — and each year the relic was exposed to the adoring crowds during the Feast of the Circumcision (don’t think about the menu)

But in 1983, thieves broke in and stole the 300 year-old jewel-encrusted reliquary and the holy flesh it contained.

 

What did the thieves do with the Deified Dick Jacket?

The mind boggles.

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